Cambodia’s culture is colorful, especially in marriage and wedding where everyone is smiling and the wedding parties are always colorful. Like many developing countries, Cambodia is on the verge to a social megatrend shift. Social changes are inevitable, because changes in every little thing lead to the big picture changes. There are questions that Cambodian society daren’t ask. The question is whether the traditional culture could co-exist with the modern world. One of the problems is arranged marriage. I am not the first person to ask this question, but I may be among the first group of people to start a discussion. My question is does arranged marriage works?
As an educated young adult, I personally do not believe in arranged marriage. These day I can only see that the habit of arranged marriage do harm more than good to people like me, and the whole society, yet everyone keep silent and pretend that it is still ok. But what are the downsides of arranged marriage?
- Arranged marriage undermined gender equality: in Cambodian ways, arranged marriage gives advantages to male than female. A Cambodian male can choose who to marry by asking his parent to ask the girl parent. But, female never have got any chance to choose.
- Arranged marriage put tremendous pressure on girl: especially in urban areas, Cambodian girl need to get married at the early age, the older she get the less chance that a man’s parent comes to ask her parent. What would she do if she thinks that she is not ready for marriage? Does she even have a choice?
- Arrange marriage create huge age different between partner: in some part of the society there man at the 30s 40s marries a teenage girl. Why is that?? Because the boys are allowed (forced) to study as much as they can, while the girls are not allowed. So the boys wait until they graduate before their parents get them a wife, while the girl stop studying after high school wait for a man to come and ask her parent.
- Marriage based on falsified information: The girl never gets a chance to learn about the boy. All they know is some one the family trusts tell them that the boy is good. But what is good any way?? He’s not a gangster, he is rich, his family is rich, he study until doctor, he never had sex before (who believe this?) he is a government official that make a lot of money through corruption (customs agent) … … … who know that the one that we trust is telling a lie?? Or maybe he/she do not know any things about the man too?? Who is the one who suffer if she/he chooses a wrong partner??
- They forget about love! marriage is about love do you agree? Why marriage these days is about wealth, and social status??
- The boy friend suffers: teenager loves each other, it is not wrong even if they’re young, but they have right to fall in love. Then an older man’s parent comes to ask the girl’s parent, the girl get married with the older man, left the boy friend broken hearted.
- Divorce rate: is low in the arranged marriage society?? This is bullshit. One they arrange the marriage the family never let the couple divorce because they think that would make the family look bad. The divorced man/woman is not accepted by the society, they got less chance of finding a new partner.
Do you with or against arranged marriage??
Me, my self say no to arranged marriage!!!
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Opponents view on arranged marriage
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August 27th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Love is highly overrated as a reason to make a life time committment. Although we KNOW that the divorce rate among love choices is more than 50% we don’t know, and apparently you have done nothing to find out (very intellectually lazy of you) what the rate of divorce among arranged marriages would be if they could be. You just made a guess.
Parent’s should try to provide a marriage that is economically beneficial both for the bride and the children. The children especially benefit from this both in terms of access to a better education and getting a “jump start” on a better life. This almost always means that there will be a difference in ages between the man and the woman (so what?).
Even in America very few women ask the man to marry.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:57 am
James, I understand that both arranged and not arranged have high divorce rate. But I don care about how high devorce rate are: as long as it is our choice: For example if we can’t live together let’s divorce, nothing bad about it. But, in Cambodia case you can’t even choose to divorce freely, you society will put pressure on you (example: no one will ask you to marry again), Your family will lose face (in Cambodia).
My main point is: parent lie or they don’t even have the right information to tell the girl or boy. For example, they don’t even know the boy, all they know is some other people tell them that he’s good so he jump to conclusion that he’s good for their daughter… As long as the infromation is perfectly flow, and the girl has a right to freely choose there’s nothing wrong about arranged marriage.
So what if in the case of Cambodia: they say the girl can choose freely? but the girl is very financially independent.. they don’t even go to school… more or less the decision is influenced.
Aged diffrence?? it not a social problem in when there are only a few case… but what happen if most of the case are old man marrying young girl?? it’s a gab… the man will die sooner (just my guess) the women will left widows. Think about it!! I provide my understand, you can have your point of views other than me, so we are open for discussion here
It is about freedom man!
August 28th, 2007 at 8:57 am
“Arranged marriage put tremendous pressure on girl” : especially in URBAN areas,……………………………
Do you mean urban or RURAL? Ti Krong or Srok Srae???
i think in srok srae women marry at younger age.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:16 am
I think that the present tradition is better than the ancient one in the city and town. Why i said that is because the both (man and woman) have rights to choose their own couple. But there are restrict tradition of choosing spouse in rural areas. I think that happiness happens due to the both loving and understanding each other, even though they got married and not. But for Cambodian culture, couple had been arranged wedding by their parents, it means that their parents have good reputation in society . Though, I still suggest all of Cambodians should get married by Khmer tradition. It is hard to find wife and husband but it is easy to find out girls and boys.
August 28th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
All good points. We should be concerned about the divorce rate because the family is the main way that a society’s culture is passed from generation to generation. The more disruption in the family the more fragmented becomes a society (look at Europe and the U.S.).
It is amazing what people can achieve when they must. First respect then love. So what if the husband is old. If he has money the family will inherit when he dies. The young wife should be a good wife but should be paying attention to the sons of her husband’s upper class friends so that when he dies she can make another good marriage for herself and her family. Romantisizing marriage is a mistake.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 am
Don’t give comments if you don’t know how it works in Cambodia. you all see this how tou think it need to be in your countries.
January 16th, 2008 at 4:15 am
I had arranged marriage…work out pretty good, my husband and I love each others, now, we are family..When we marry we know each others one week.
We have 5 children, been together 15 years. Problem with Cambodia society, not sure what you want. Now, have a lot of freedoms, but no alot of happy.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Dear All,
I have been living in cambodia for the past 3 years now, and all i can say there is that the most of those arrange marrieges end up most likely in the same way.
Because the marriage is not out of love the most man tend to have second, third, fourth wifes, mistresses or girlfriends (plus weekly arrangements wth the prostitutes in the karaoke parlors). explanantion by cambodian man for this is mostly:”because it is our genetic right and women are not the same species then man!” (believe me i heard it many times, but i believe it is a loack of selfcontroll within yourself, you love someone you can controll it)
you meet one man you will meet his wife in the restaurant and in the evening him and his girl in the club and so on(why? cambodian man tell their wifes to be a good wife you have to stay at home and dont go out, instead they using it to take out their mistresses)…. the most of the cambodian wifes are getting misserable in their age the more they realize that all they are is because who there husband is.
Your husband leaves you or you make him leave you loose face.
Most young girls from the country site get raised with one picture in their mind: “you get married, you have baby’s and you be happy all your life” we know mostly it doesnt turn out like this. and when reality (or there husband) hits them its mostly to late, i know many girls who got married and children teh husband left with the second wife and all what they could do was becomming sexworkers.
I am not saying that man here are bad people, but they need to be educated about paying respect to each and every human being no matter male or female.
for all cambodian wifes or girlfriends, if your boyfriend says he is in a meeting after office our, dont believe him he is spending his time with whiskey and girls in the karaoke no matter what rank or what kind of familiy he comes from. Why can they do that? Because they know society will never allow his wife to leave him. women pretending to be happy? really common in cambodia and other third world country’s.
All i mean to say is that one partner will pay the price in pain and suffer more than the other and i believe that no person has the right to play with another feelings and life like they feel like it.
Note: And girls stop putting acid on each other, because your husband or boyfirend is a cheating dog, you should them up and bust his ass together.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Sorry for digging up an old topic. I just find your blog interesting, and your blog is among the very few interesting blogs from a Cambodian. I’m also Cambodian, and find that Cambodian blogs are pretty rare, or at least the interesting ones. Anyways, I would just like to mention that, the divorce rate of non-arranged marriages are over 50%, while arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Pete, this topic will not die soon! Thank for bring the discussion up again.
My point is: In an arranged marriage culture, the couple would not divorce, it doesn’t mean they suit each other well. But the culture will never allow divorce. So couple are forced to stay together by many means. Family pressure is one of the thing that keep the couple together.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Well said blog but you’re very biased. There’s no such thing as the RIGHT way to build a marriage, may it be arranged or not. There are million reasons why a marriage work or fail. Now I think the worst about Cambodian marriage (generally) is the misunderstanding of the word marriage in itself. Ask this to people around you and note what the answer is.
Why do you (want to) get married?
The answer is probably: I’m old enough. My parents expect me to. It’s time I have a family of my own. I love that girl/boy. blah blah blah
BUT never all those (all points) at the same time for the same person AND it’s wrong.
You’re old enough doesn’t mean it’s the right time for you to get married because you might still want to be single, because you might still haven’t found the Mr.Mrs. Right yet or because you still don’t have a mean to build a family yet.
Same with the other points. But in Cambodia people tend to look only at one side/one point/ ah… one reason.
Well, I would say to make a marraige work you have to have more than one reason to get into it at all.
November 6th, 2008 at 6:58 am
It has long been looking for this information, thank you.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:19 am
that’s interesting facts..
nice read indeed.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
“Arranged marriage vs Forced marriage”
As long as the marriage does not happen by overriding the objections of the bride and the groom, an open-ended arranged marriage may work just like the love marriage. On the other hand, the traditional arranged marriage which is against the human rights, our right to choose, should be eliminated.
Although parents are the ones who give birth to their children, it does not mean that they are the owners of their children’s lives, so children should not be regarded as assets for parents to make economical decisions through arranged marriage. But the point is, how can we make sure that today’s parents understand?
February 10th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I disagree with everything…i don’t think teenage should be getting married at such a young age, especially to an old dude! that is just wrong!! imagine yurself getting married when yu were 14 to a man who was 40, and yu were to make love with him…it is their culture…and they do what they want, but to have a teenage gurl get married at such a young age to a WAY older dude…is just disgusting! even if i lived in cambodia..i still wouldn’t want to be seen with an older dude…he could basically be my father! maybe even my grandpa…>:/
February 10th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I disagree with everything…i don’t think teenage should be getting married at such a young age, especially to an old dude! that is just wrong!! imagine yurself getting married when yu were 14 to a man who was 40, and yu were to make love with him…it is their culture…and they do what they want, but to have a teenage gurl get married at such a young age to a WAY older dude…is just disgusting! even if i lived in cambodia..i still wouldn’t want to be seen with an older dude…he could basically be my father! maybe even my grandpa…>:/
im sorry if i am being rude…but it is just my opinion…and well…some people think this is right, but to me…i think this is wrong..yur ruining a childs life…she should be able to live a teenage life…
June 15th, 2009 at 6:46 am
I am a guy educated in Australia and now live in Australia. When I was young I used to asked myself why some young women married older men. In ideal world a man would want to married a beautiful wife who is young and rich depend on our wish. For a woman, she would want to marry her price charming and who does not want that regardless of your religion or race.
In reality, you will not have your way, this is where marriage is as what we see which is influence by lots of circumstances. Younger woman who want to marry for love to her boyfriend, agreed by both parents and run away if not agreed by one side. Young women married older men for wealth(eg Rubert Murdoch and his current wife), she could be from poor or uneducated family or from reasonable educated and wealth and the list go on.
All I am saying as long as both side are happy then it should be fine.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I totally disagree with the whole arranged marriage thing. I’m Cambodian as well but I guess you can say that I don’t believe in my traditions that much. I feel like this should be a back in the day kind of thing; this shouldn’t be going on now. People should have the right to choose who they want to marry. Marriage is not a joke, this is a lifelong commitment we’re talking about. I know that some arranged marriages, most women aren’t happy. They either are doing this because her family is poor, she has no where else to go, or she doesn’t want to bring shame to her family. But, I heard that even when some girls come to America, once they get their paperwork and they know what’s going on here, they bounce and find another man, or just start to live their life. I feel like I would want to get to know the person very well before I say I do.
August 11th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I still have a difficult time grasping the idea of arrange marriages. I’m a 41 yo single American woman who fell in love with a Cambodian man who came to America when he was 18 to make a life for himself and his family (who were still living in Cambodia at the time). He is my same age. We worked for the same company together and dated for about a year. We had many common interests, got along wonderfully and fell in, what I thought, was love. He owned the home where he lived with his father, uncle, sister, and 1 cousin. His family could not and would not accept the fact that their son was dating an American and wanted him to honor the tradition of arranging a marriage for him. His uncle visited Cambodia and came back to the states with the news of finding a wife for both my boyfriend and his cousin. Yes…this is a true story….yes….I was very heartbroken. My love didn’t have the courage to stand up to his family and our relationship was over just like that. I felt betrayed…saddened. He married a woman he did not even know. I will always love him unconditionally even though till this day it still hurts.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
I am sorry to hear that Maryann. It is hard to believe that even in the US this still exist, although it’s about a Cambodian family.
The family should have accepted the US way of life when they move there. Although Cambodian culture can be beautiful. But arrange marriage, thesedays, mostly it hurts.
September 8th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Nobody is putting shackles on the guy, hes an american now and an adult.
The people in Cambodia is not forced as much these days. I don’t see arranged marriage too much as a concern. Why is that, because a male in Cambodian society at 18-20 (the boyfriend) ish usually can not support a family and is not mature enough. While a women unfortunaltely has to marry earlier because otherwise she will not have suitors as she gets older, once a women has her reputation tainted she really cant get married either, theres less chance if she gets married, her parents don’t have to worry about her running away with the guy or getting raped by someone (punishment is lax) or somehow shaming there family.
Not that i wholeheartly believe in these practices, but its just reality in Cambodia, Cambodia is not ready for extreme social change, not unless the financial situation improves in Cambodian, its a tradition century old.
November 19th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Actually myself personally had several experiences of arranged marriage, but when came to the final decision i still caught a chance to get rid of it, and started challenge life by conscious mind, since the last arrange marriage was rejected in end of 2007. Well in the previous images to raised up a reason to rejected the arrange marriage is “I’m still not ready for it mom/dad!!!.” but what behind the scens is i was being in a relationship, and nothing can hide from my parents (they know their kids very well), and til now i still being single and life is not bad, confident, independent, with a good job, good life also, but one negative is i don have even a boyfriend for more than a year ready. and sometime think of an option for arranged marriage. what i’m trying to say are the good and bad about arrange marriage. As a Cambodian, I’m sure you guy are quite familiar Khmer society that, why arranged marriage come to you? and why your parents prefer you an arranged marriage? Possibly in their mind to get you a husband/wife which based on their classification people by 1, family background, 2.personal backgroud of education and career, maybe his age, + their experience = a high % reliable person. Cheer!!! (that’s why can’t blame the whole thing to them), as an experient person, i would like to advise if you find yourself is unaceptable with the arranged marriage, kindly work hard and prove your parents with a sense challenges, thereafter the chances of blaming yourself or the other is minimize.
February 28th, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Im in love with this khmer girl and i can feel that she is too (i havent had the guts to ask her yet but i will cuz its eating me inside) but she is in a arraged marriage with some dude from Cambodia.
The thing is that she is not really happy with him and his family and they treat her badly.
Now if i were to get married with her , do i have a chance to get her a divorce?
Ive never felt the same for a girl in my life.
I know it must depend on her if she wants to divorce or if she can or if she is allowed.
Living the rest of your life with someone u dont like or love is a living hell for me , i couldnt…
June 25th, 2010 at 11:09 am
I recognize that asking this question on your website might be unethical but I suppose my GF is screwing on me. You know, coming in home late from the job, going outside with the girlfriends every time. Rinsing the clothes as soon as she gets home. We don’t even do it anymore Do you hombres have any tips as to how I could see the the true?
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